The Beginning

Our journey to parenthood began in summer 2021.

We were trying.

Nobody talks about the disappointing, seemingly endless waiting period between tracking your cycle, waiting for a result and waiting to try again. The days are long, the weeks are longer and year just dragged on.

One October night, a few days after a missed period, we finally spotted the faint, pink line we had been waiting for. A line is a line, no mater how light.

But Zak wasn't convinced, so there were two more tests to confirm what we saw on the first. The digital test spelled it out for us: Pregnant

Writing this, I'm not sure how to describe the excitement we shared. I guess if you've tried for a positive pregnancy test in the past, you know how it feels. It was finally our turn.

Our Loss

On Sunday October 24, 2021, we lost our first pregnancy.

The night before, I came home from officiating the Phipps' wedding utterly exhausted.

All day, I was surrounded by the love and joy of lifelong partnership, a relationship I've been so lucky to share with Zak to the fullest extent. I was overjoyed to play a part in Halen and Ryan's day, and filled with peace and a special happiness knowing that I was there with a secret that only Zak and I shared.

Yet, over the course of the evening, an eerie wave of sadness washed over me. By the end of the reception, all of the emotion, peace and joy had drained from my body. I was empty.

Zak greeted me with a hug when I got home, we debriefed our day and as we got ready for bed, I noticed I was spotting.

Spotting in early pregnancy is very common and rarely a sign of miscarriage. But that night, I had an unwavering, overwhelming sense of certainty that our baby was gone.

The following morning, I took the second digital pregnancy test in the pack. The result was clear: Not Pregnant. We didn't take a picture of that one.

As hurtful as the test result was that morning, I'm glad we read it when we did. We distracted ourselves in the morning by watching Max Verstappen win US Grand Prix in Austin, TX. Later that day, the miscarriage began naturally and we cried over the loss, took a breath and cried some more. Leaving the house that night was wise--we joined Jess and Brion for dinner at their new place and spent the evening in the quiet grief of a secret only we shared.

Happy Halloween

A week to the day after losing our first pregnancy, we celebrated Halloween as Burt Macklin and Janet Snakehole, the alter egos of our favorite Parks & Rec duo: Andy Dwyer, played by Chris Pratt, and April Ludgate, played by Aubrey Plaza.

Of course, we had planned these costumes weeks before finding out we were expecting.

Not that we thought of this at that time, but in hindsight, the veil of these characters embodied so much of who we were that Halloween.

As a couple, Andy and April remained childless through seven seasons. They fostered meaningful relationships with their friends and community, challenged each other to achieve their dreams and never apologized for being themselves and having fun, together.

Their son, Jack, was born on Halloween in the final episode.

Talking with our midwives following our loss, we learned that one in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage. Not one in ten, as I had previously understood, but one in four. All of a sudden, after losing our first pregnancy, many people shared with us their stories of loss. Beyond our intimate experience with baby loss, the most profound impression the beginning of our journey left on me was just how stigmatized this shockingly common experience is.

So I hope to talk more freely about our loss, to invite people into our grief (which hasn't gone away now that we're experiencing our second pregnancy) and be more transparent about the reality of bringing life into the world.

As a couple trying to become first-time parents, nobody told us how painful the process would be. Yet we know there is light, a rainbow after the storm.